Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I have been struggling with finding the words I want to share. I have prayed about it, and continue to feel a conviction to use my journey as an opportunity to teach others...about how to get through the infertility journey themselves and how to support those you love who are going through it.

So, today, I am focusing on sharing the reality of this journey for those of you who have not been through it, or have not been closely involved with someone else's journey. For those of you who have been supportive of Al and I throughout this process, THANK YOU!!! Your prayers and hugs and tears, and kind words have been something that have kept us afloat.

We have been discouraged some with people who disapprove of us going through this process, and I realize it's just lack of knowledge of the pain and suffering, but it is still tough to take. I was going to just stop sharing, but decided God has put us in this position to use it for good, and I feel that is more important. I realize that there is some thought that I should just accept that God wanted me to be infertile, and take it like a champ. It has been implied that it is wrong for me to try to have a family. I appreciate that some people do truly believe this, and for them, on their journey, they would not try fertility procedures. I respect that and would never push my beliefs on them.

For me, I believe that if you shouldn't use medical advancements for this, you shouldn't use it for any other "life saving" procedures. How about someone who is born deaf, and they want a cochlear implant to hear? Is it wrong of them to not just accept that God made them deaf? Or someone who loses their legs in the war...should they not use medical advancements to be able to walk again? Or what if your mother was dying of a disease that had a medical cure? Should you just accept that God wants her to die, or give her the treatment that could keep her alive?

If I were wanting to use medical advancements for something that is "sinful" (which I suppose is a matter of debate in and of itself), then I could understand. But I am using medical advancements to achieve a dream of having a FAMILY - children to teach about God, children to pray with every night, children who will hopefully become loving, God fearing, honorable people in this world that is in desparate need of more light. Maybe our children will be generous like their dad. Maybe they'll make everyone they come across have the first smile of their day, like Al seems to have the gift of doing. Or maybe they'll be like their mom, and have empathy for all those around them, wanting to heal anyone who is hurting.

Someone very close to me came up to me a couple of years ago, so apologetic that she didn't realize how difficult the infertilty process is. She said that I have been so strong, and she didn't realize I was hurting, until she had a close friend go through it. See, that's the thing, most people haven't been near enough to it to understand. And, yes, Al and I are strong, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't crush us to the core. In private, our faith and strength is still there, but there is a HUGE hole in our hearts and lives because we don't have a child. Maybe sharing this will help others have empathy for their loved ones going through this process. So here you go...

When I was 23, I was told I needed a hysterectomy. My BIGGEST dream in life was to be a mommy. I knew I'd be a good one. Everyone who knows me knows I'll be a good one. Kids melt my heart. I was devastated. I begged the dr not to do it. He said I needed surgery, and agreed to leave my organs intact as long as it wouldn't kill me, with the understanding that I would be in CONSTANT pain for the rest of my adult life (or until hysterectomy). So, I had surgery, he said he couldn't even begin to remove the growths...it would take 24 hours or more. So, he just closed me back up, signed a waiver at the hospital that he was going against his "best medical judgement" and didn't perform the hysterectomy.

In the post surgery appt, he said I was a mess, endometriosis EVERYWHERE...except for my uterus. He said it was like "God put his hand over it, and said 'take everything, but THIS, she's going to need it!'".

So, fast forward 5 years or so, after many surgeries, medications putting me in menopause, and countless nights of crying due to the pain (emotionally and physically), and I met my hubby.

We knew we'd have trouble having kids, so we chose to forego the large wedding we wanted (which we also had a lot of people angry with us for), and decided to save that $$$ for fertility treatments. Immediately after our wedding, we went to a fertility specialist. This was in 2005. I was poked and prodded, had numerous surgeries, and found that I have high FSH, which basically means my eggs are "old". So, they had to treat me as though I was a 40 year old trying to have a baby, not a 30 year old trying to have a baby. Some honeymoon.

The first 3 treatments weren't so bad. Shots in the stomach, and a drs appt every morning for six days (try to keep a job doing that!!), then one procedure, and wait. Two weeks of praying and crying, and testing, only to start my period, and feel the devastation again.

Fast forward another 3 years. After 2 failed attempts, and one that they actually had to cancel mid stream due to lack of response, and we needed to do ivf. We've already spent our wedding $$$, now we're looking at a $15,000 procedure. Yikes!

As we prepare for this, keep in mind that normal life goes on. People all around us are getting pregnant, after only one or two months of trying. And although we are VERY happy for our friends and loved ones, there is always the "What about us?" feeling?

I have gone to countless baby showers, birthdays, baptisms, with a smile on my face, only to collapse in the car afterwards and SOB and SCREAM hysterically.

I can't walk through the baby department at Target, or drive past a park watching daddy's play with their sons without breaking down.

When the church has baby dedications, we usually skip those services.

So, we do an ivf cycle, which involves about 5 shots a night in my stomach, legs, and butt. We have to coordinate our whole life around these shots...have to be home by 7pm for them. Failed attempt again.

Still more baby showers, baby dedications, baptisms, birth announcements. Constant reminders that there is still no family for us.

Not to mention, we can't plan anything for our lives. "Will you be at the family reunion this year?" We politely say "we hope we can make it". Behind the scenes, it's "When is your surgery again? Will we be doing ivf at that time? You might be pregnant at that point, and we can't travel...just in case".

One more ivf attempt...we got pregnant!!! Went to the first ultrasound appt, fully expecting to see a heartbeat. Only to hear "We're so sorry, there is no baby. We'll schedule your surgery for Tuesday".

Another baby shower to attend.

That brings us to today. SIX YEARS LATER. Some of the children who's baby showers I attended are five years old! That is HUNDREDS of breakdowns, tears, prayers, and disappointments later.

And this morning, we are leaving now for another surgery. I will update you on the progress.

Sorry for not being my cheery self. I just really think it's important for me to share my whole story, not just the "Jennie is so strong" story. We love you all!!! God is good, and I KNOW there is a reason for this all!!!!