Well everyone, we do not have the best of news, I'm afraid. The dr called today and left me a message regarding my first blood test results, and they were negative. So, we have been told to stop all the meds and call them on Tuesday if we want to talk to the dr.
Throughout this journey, I have never even thought "I'm done", but today I said it out loud. The emotional, physical, and financial toll that it has taken on Al and me is just too much to handle right now. Not to mention, our ENTIRE life has been on hold to work around ivf attempts.
Right now, my mind is saying that I'm going to just live my life for a while, enjoy my husband, maybe travel some. I just can't let another year be spent worrying about trying to have a baby.
I know I'm old, and the window of opportunity is slowly closing, but I just need a break from it all.
We are crushed beyond words. But....we do believe that God has a plan, and that He is looking out for what is best for us, even though it may not feel like this is best right now. We trust that God will get us through this, and lead us in the direction we need to go from here.
If you think of it in the next week or so, please say a prayer or two for us....we could certainly use it! And in that prayer, if you could ask for a miracle for us, that would be great :)
Thank you for your continued love and support! We love each and every one of you!!!
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I'm PUPO!!! (Pregnant until proven otherwise)
Great news everyone! Dr called this morning to tell us that we were ready for embryo transfer. When we got there, they told us that only 2 out of the 6 embies they tested were chromosomally normal. Apparently, that's actually GOOD. He said they've had times where they had 10 embryos sent off for chromosome testing, and none came back normal! That is why so many women have early miscarriages, usually due to chromosome issues.
So, they asked how many we wanted to transfer. I said both, since we had already discussed transferring up to 3. The dr explained that usually when a chromosome test is done first, they don't transfer more than 1, since the chances of success are so much higher (more than double!). He asked Al and I both if we were ready for twins. He had to tell the embryologist to prepare both embies. Sounded like they were planning on just one.
They even asked us if we wanted to know the gender of both embryos. We declined. Isn't that just crazy, though? It's tempting, for sure. But for now, I'm going to wait a bit. We'll see how my self discipline holds up!
I'm so encouraged and excited. God has really worked everything out perfectly for us on this cycle. Finally, I feel like there is nothing we're missing!
It may be a few weeks before you hear any updates from us. We want to wait until a certain point in the pregnancy to share any results. I promise, as soon as we're ready to share...I'll be posting again!
Stay tuned :)
So, they asked how many we wanted to transfer. I said both, since we had already discussed transferring up to 3. The dr explained that usually when a chromosome test is done first, they don't transfer more than 1, since the chances of success are so much higher (more than double!). He asked Al and I both if we were ready for twins. He had to tell the embryologist to prepare both embies. Sounded like they were planning on just one.
They even asked us if we wanted to know the gender of both embryos. We declined. Isn't that just crazy, though? It's tempting, for sure. But for now, I'm going to wait a bit. We'll see how my self discipline holds up!
I'm so encouraged and excited. God has really worked everything out perfectly for us on this cycle. Finally, I feel like there is nothing we're missing!
It may be a few weeks before you hear any updates from us. We want to wait until a certain point in the pregnancy to share any results. I promise, as soon as we're ready to share...I'll be posting again!
Stay tuned :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tomorrow's the big day!
Well, I spoke to the lab today, this is where they do the chromosome testing. They received cells from all six embryos to test. Yippee!
The results will be in tomorrow morning. The doctor may transfer tomorrow, and they may wait til Thursday am. Either way, please pray that all of the "chromosomally normal" embies make it to day 5!!! They want to transfer THREE embryos!!!
God has been good to us, we see his blessings every day in our lives. Hopefully our story will bless someone you know or love!!! God Bless you all, we'll update soon!
"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)
The results will be in tomorrow morning. The doctor may transfer tomorrow, and they may wait til Thursday am. Either way, please pray that all of the "chromosomally normal" embies make it to day 5!!! They want to transfer THREE embryos!!!
God has been good to us, we see his blessings every day in our lives. Hopefully our story will bless someone you know or love!!! God Bless you all, we'll update soon!
"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Embie update
Well, today is day 3 for my little embies. We drove back from my Grandma's house last night, so we could be here for transfer. No transfer after all! Dr said we now have SIX embryos (one caught up since our last phone call). They are looking for 5 cells in each embie at this point. We had 1 at 12 cells, 3 at 8 cells, and 2 at 4 cells. The dr is going to wait until this afternoon to see if the 4 cells turn into 5 cells. Then they are going to take one cell from each, and send it off for chromosome testing. It's just amazing what they can do! He was VERY happy with the quality of the embies, said that the 4 leaders were the best possible quality. So, now we wait again...until Wednesday! They may transfer Wednesday or Thursday, depending on whether or not the chromosomally normal embies make it to a "Blastocyst" stage. He may wait until day 6, if necessary. I'll update you again on Wednesday. Thank you again for your continued prayers!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Embryo Report
I only have a few moments to post, but wanted to update everyone. As of this morning, we have five embryos. The dr was very happy with this number, since many of the 10 eggs were not mature. He said that five embryos is great for someone with high FSH like mine. They will call us Monday with another report, and instructions as to whether we will transfer them that day, or on Wednesday. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your continued prayers!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Egg Hunt results are in!
So, quick update...We just left the surgery center. They were expecting 3 - 6 eggs, and they found TEN!!!! Yippee :) We'll know more on the fertilization reports tomorrow, but this is certainly a good start! Take care everyone, we'll be in touch!
Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I have been struggling with finding the words I want to share. I have prayed about it, and continue to feel a conviction to use my journey as an opportunity to teach others...about how to get through the infertility journey themselves and how to support those you love who are going through it.
So, today, I am focusing on sharing the reality of this journey for those of you who have not been through it, or have not been closely involved with someone else's journey. For those of you who have been supportive of Al and I throughout this process, THANK YOU!!! Your prayers and hugs and tears, and kind words have been something that have kept us afloat.
We have been discouraged some with people who disapprove of us going through this process, and I realize it's just lack of knowledge of the pain and suffering, but it is still tough to take. I was going to just stop sharing, but decided God has put us in this position to use it for good, and I feel that is more important. I realize that there is some thought that I should just accept that God wanted me to be infertile, and take it like a champ. It has been implied that it is wrong for me to try to have a family. I appreciate that some people do truly believe this, and for them, on their journey, they would not try fertility procedures. I respect that and would never push my beliefs on them.
For me, I believe that if you shouldn't use medical advancements for this, you shouldn't use it for any other "life saving" procedures. How about someone who is born deaf, and they want a cochlear implant to hear? Is it wrong of them to not just accept that God made them deaf? Or someone who loses their legs in the war...should they not use medical advancements to be able to walk again? Or what if your mother was dying of a disease that had a medical cure? Should you just accept that God wants her to die, or give her the treatment that could keep her alive?
If I were wanting to use medical advancements for something that is "sinful" (which I suppose is a matter of debate in and of itself), then I could understand. But I am using medical advancements to achieve a dream of having a FAMILY - children to teach about God, children to pray with every night, children who will hopefully become loving, God fearing, honorable people in this world that is in desparate need of more light. Maybe our children will be generous like their dad. Maybe they'll make everyone they come across have the first smile of their day, like Al seems to have the gift of doing. Or maybe they'll be like their mom, and have empathy for all those around them, wanting to heal anyone who is hurting.
Someone very close to me came up to me a couple of years ago, so apologetic that she didn't realize how difficult the infertilty process is. She said that I have been so strong, and she didn't realize I was hurting, until she had a close friend go through it. See, that's the thing, most people haven't been near enough to it to understand. And, yes, Al and I are strong, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't crush us to the core. In private, our faith and strength is still there, but there is a HUGE hole in our hearts and lives because we don't have a child. Maybe sharing this will help others have empathy for their loved ones going through this process. So here you go...
When I was 23, I was told I needed a hysterectomy. My BIGGEST dream in life was to be a mommy. I knew I'd be a good one. Everyone who knows me knows I'll be a good one. Kids melt my heart. I was devastated. I begged the dr not to do it. He said I needed surgery, and agreed to leave my organs intact as long as it wouldn't kill me, with the understanding that I would be in CONSTANT pain for the rest of my adult life (or until hysterectomy). So, I had surgery, he said he couldn't even begin to remove the growths...it would take 24 hours or more. So, he just closed me back up, signed a waiver at the hospital that he was going against his "best medical judgement" and didn't perform the hysterectomy.
In the post surgery appt, he said I was a mess, endometriosis EVERYWHERE...except for my uterus. He said it was like "God put his hand over it, and said 'take everything, but THIS, she's going to need it!'".
So, fast forward 5 years or so, after many surgeries, medications putting me in menopause, and countless nights of crying due to the pain (emotionally and physically), and I met my hubby.
We knew we'd have trouble having kids, so we chose to forego the large wedding we wanted (which we also had a lot of people angry with us for), and decided to save that $$$ for fertility treatments. Immediately after our wedding, we went to a fertility specialist. This was in 2005. I was poked and prodded, had numerous surgeries, and found that I have high FSH, which basically means my eggs are "old". So, they had to treat me as though I was a 40 year old trying to have a baby, not a 30 year old trying to have a baby. Some honeymoon.
The first 3 treatments weren't so bad. Shots in the stomach, and a drs appt every morning for six days (try to keep a job doing that!!), then one procedure, and wait. Two weeks of praying and crying, and testing, only to start my period, and feel the devastation again.
Fast forward another 3 years. After 2 failed attempts, and one that they actually had to cancel mid stream due to lack of response, and we needed to do ivf. We've already spent our wedding $$$, now we're looking at a $15,000 procedure. Yikes!
As we prepare for this, keep in mind that normal life goes on. People all around us are getting pregnant, after only one or two months of trying. And although we are VERY happy for our friends and loved ones, there is always the "What about us?" feeling?
I have gone to countless baby showers, birthdays, baptisms, with a smile on my face, only to collapse in the car afterwards and SOB and SCREAM hysterically.
I can't walk through the baby department at Target, or drive past a park watching daddy's play with their sons without breaking down.
When the church has baby dedications, we usually skip those services.
So, we do an ivf cycle, which involves about 5 shots a night in my stomach, legs, and butt. We have to coordinate our whole life around these shots...have to be home by 7pm for them. Failed attempt again.
Still more baby showers, baby dedications, baptisms, birth announcements. Constant reminders that there is still no family for us.
Not to mention, we can't plan anything for our lives. "Will you be at the family reunion this year?" We politely say "we hope we can make it". Behind the scenes, it's "When is your surgery again? Will we be doing ivf at that time? You might be pregnant at that point, and we can't travel...just in case".
One more ivf attempt...we got pregnant!!! Went to the first ultrasound appt, fully expecting to see a heartbeat. Only to hear "We're so sorry, there is no baby. We'll schedule your surgery for Tuesday".
Another baby shower to attend.
That brings us to today. SIX YEARS LATER. Some of the children who's baby showers I attended are five years old! That is HUNDREDS of breakdowns, tears, prayers, and disappointments later.
And this morning, we are leaving now for another surgery. I will update you on the progress.
Sorry for not being my cheery self. I just really think it's important for me to share my whole story, not just the "Jennie is so strong" story. We love you all!!! God is good, and I KNOW there is a reason for this all!!!!
So, today, I am focusing on sharing the reality of this journey for those of you who have not been through it, or have not been closely involved with someone else's journey. For those of you who have been supportive of Al and I throughout this process, THANK YOU!!! Your prayers and hugs and tears, and kind words have been something that have kept us afloat.
We have been discouraged some with people who disapprove of us going through this process, and I realize it's just lack of knowledge of the pain and suffering, but it is still tough to take. I was going to just stop sharing, but decided God has put us in this position to use it for good, and I feel that is more important. I realize that there is some thought that I should just accept that God wanted me to be infertile, and take it like a champ. It has been implied that it is wrong for me to try to have a family. I appreciate that some people do truly believe this, and for them, on their journey, they would not try fertility procedures. I respect that and would never push my beliefs on them.
For me, I believe that if you shouldn't use medical advancements for this, you shouldn't use it for any other "life saving" procedures. How about someone who is born deaf, and they want a cochlear implant to hear? Is it wrong of them to not just accept that God made them deaf? Or someone who loses their legs in the war...should they not use medical advancements to be able to walk again? Or what if your mother was dying of a disease that had a medical cure? Should you just accept that God wants her to die, or give her the treatment that could keep her alive?
If I were wanting to use medical advancements for something that is "sinful" (which I suppose is a matter of debate in and of itself), then I could understand. But I am using medical advancements to achieve a dream of having a FAMILY - children to teach about God, children to pray with every night, children who will hopefully become loving, God fearing, honorable people in this world that is in desparate need of more light. Maybe our children will be generous like their dad. Maybe they'll make everyone they come across have the first smile of their day, like Al seems to have the gift of doing. Or maybe they'll be like their mom, and have empathy for all those around them, wanting to heal anyone who is hurting.
Someone very close to me came up to me a couple of years ago, so apologetic that she didn't realize how difficult the infertilty process is. She said that I have been so strong, and she didn't realize I was hurting, until she had a close friend go through it. See, that's the thing, most people haven't been near enough to it to understand. And, yes, Al and I are strong, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't crush us to the core. In private, our faith and strength is still there, but there is a HUGE hole in our hearts and lives because we don't have a child. Maybe sharing this will help others have empathy for their loved ones going through this process. So here you go...
When I was 23, I was told I needed a hysterectomy. My BIGGEST dream in life was to be a mommy. I knew I'd be a good one. Everyone who knows me knows I'll be a good one. Kids melt my heart. I was devastated. I begged the dr not to do it. He said I needed surgery, and agreed to leave my organs intact as long as it wouldn't kill me, with the understanding that I would be in CONSTANT pain for the rest of my adult life (or until hysterectomy). So, I had surgery, he said he couldn't even begin to remove the growths...it would take 24 hours or more. So, he just closed me back up, signed a waiver at the hospital that he was going against his "best medical judgement" and didn't perform the hysterectomy.
In the post surgery appt, he said I was a mess, endometriosis EVERYWHERE...except for my uterus. He said it was like "God put his hand over it, and said 'take everything, but THIS, she's going to need it!'".
So, fast forward 5 years or so, after many surgeries, medications putting me in menopause, and countless nights of crying due to the pain (emotionally and physically), and I met my hubby.
We knew we'd have trouble having kids, so we chose to forego the large wedding we wanted (which we also had a lot of people angry with us for), and decided to save that $$$ for fertility treatments. Immediately after our wedding, we went to a fertility specialist. This was in 2005. I was poked and prodded, had numerous surgeries, and found that I have high FSH, which basically means my eggs are "old". So, they had to treat me as though I was a 40 year old trying to have a baby, not a 30 year old trying to have a baby. Some honeymoon.
The first 3 treatments weren't so bad. Shots in the stomach, and a drs appt every morning for six days (try to keep a job doing that!!), then one procedure, and wait. Two weeks of praying and crying, and testing, only to start my period, and feel the devastation again.
Fast forward another 3 years. After 2 failed attempts, and one that they actually had to cancel mid stream due to lack of response, and we needed to do ivf. We've already spent our wedding $$$, now we're looking at a $15,000 procedure. Yikes!
As we prepare for this, keep in mind that normal life goes on. People all around us are getting pregnant, after only one or two months of trying. And although we are VERY happy for our friends and loved ones, there is always the "What about us?" feeling?
I have gone to countless baby showers, birthdays, baptisms, with a smile on my face, only to collapse in the car afterwards and SOB and SCREAM hysterically.
I can't walk through the baby department at Target, or drive past a park watching daddy's play with their sons without breaking down.
When the church has baby dedications, we usually skip those services.
So, we do an ivf cycle, which involves about 5 shots a night in my stomach, legs, and butt. We have to coordinate our whole life around these shots...have to be home by 7pm for them. Failed attempt again.
Still more baby showers, baby dedications, baptisms, birth announcements. Constant reminders that there is still no family for us.
Not to mention, we can't plan anything for our lives. "Will you be at the family reunion this year?" We politely say "we hope we can make it". Behind the scenes, it's "When is your surgery again? Will we be doing ivf at that time? You might be pregnant at that point, and we can't travel...just in case".
One more ivf attempt...we got pregnant!!! Went to the first ultrasound appt, fully expecting to see a heartbeat. Only to hear "We're so sorry, there is no baby. We'll schedule your surgery for Tuesday".
Another baby shower to attend.
That brings us to today. SIX YEARS LATER. Some of the children who's baby showers I attended are five years old! That is HUNDREDS of breakdowns, tears, prayers, and disappointments later.
And this morning, we are leaving now for another surgery. I will update you on the progress.
Sorry for not being my cheery self. I just really think it's important for me to share my whole story, not just the "Jennie is so strong" story. We love you all!!! God is good, and I KNOW there is a reason for this all!!!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Science Fair Project called "Jennie"
Yes, I feel like a science fair project! "How many hormones can we put in this lady's body without making her crazy?"
Seriously, though, I do like science (good thing), and anatomy, so it is kinda cool!
Had my Estrogen levels checked yesterday, levels were normal, so I feel better about not over stimulating. I have had ZERO pain...no pain in my ovaries (no bowling balls yet), no joint/muscle pain. Doing pretty well! Usually on these meds, my immune system freaks out....this time is soooo different! God gives me something to be grateful for every single day!!!
I am a little under the weather, had a cold for 4 days now:( Went to the dr for some antibiotics...just to prevent round three of bronchitis this year. Please pray that knocks it out of me...I don't think they'll do surgery next week if I have an upper respiratory infection.
Sorry not much else to report. Next week is when things will get interesting. Follie check on Monday...gotta count those eggies! I'll keep you posted!
Everyone have a great weekend :)
"I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." - Matthew 17:20
Seriously, though, I do like science (good thing), and anatomy, so it is kinda cool!
Had my Estrogen levels checked yesterday, levels were normal, so I feel better about not over stimulating. I have had ZERO pain...no pain in my ovaries (no bowling balls yet), no joint/muscle pain. Doing pretty well! Usually on these meds, my immune system freaks out....this time is soooo different! God gives me something to be grateful for every single day!!!
I am a little under the weather, had a cold for 4 days now:( Went to the dr for some antibiotics...just to prevent round three of bronchitis this year. Please pray that knocks it out of me...I don't think they'll do surgery next week if I have an upper respiratory infection.
Sorry not much else to report. Next week is when things will get interesting. Follie check on Monday...gotta count those eggies! I'll keep you posted!
Everyone have a great weekend :)
"I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." - Matthew 17:20
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